Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Dear God

To: Abba Yahweh
From: Your daughter, janae

It has taken me a long time to figure out what I’m missing: You, Lord. And it doesn’t matter where on earth I am, I will continue to miss my Father, even though I’ve never even seen You.

I’ve never really known You. There’s no way I could possibly completely know You and who You are, but yet there’s this void in me that the more I grasp of You, however miniscule it may be compared to who You really are, that void, that pain, that aching, that longing, whatever it is, is somehow balmed with Your amazing prescience. I was made to know You—or, at least, to try to.

The more I am given the grace to understand You, the more I long for more. The more I think about You, the more I’m disgusted with how this world, this race, has fallen short of everything You had hoped for in the beginning. The more I feel the stark contrast, the more I marvel that You would even make a creation that You knew would turn itself fallen and disgraceful, hiding its face from Your glory. The more I see how wretched I am, the more I mourn and rejoice in Your Son and His Sacrifice. But, alas, the praise I offer must be jaded, as I am a part, a cause, of this mockery and shame. I’m so sorry for that…

I long to be in the place I was made for—Your prescience. I long to be rid of this soiled and filthily ruined makeshift earthly flesh. I want to run on the greener pastures You promise to lead me to. I want to dance on Your holy hills, to make You smile. I want to drink of Your Living Water—the sweet water You spoke of. But most of all, I want to see the Perfect One that this imperfect being cannot even dare to imagine.

I can hardly wait to sing with Your angels of Your praiseworthy glory. There is no one else that deserves the praise I was created to give. The only thing I know is that the glorious wonders I see here on earth and fail to comprehend are only horrible reflections in a fogged mirror of who You are.

I find myself daydreaming about Your Face being the Sun of my world when I should be answering questions about magnetism in physics. I find myself pondering the completeness I will feel when You speak, instead of computing algebraic problems. You’re getting in the way of my life! But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’d much rather see the glory of the miraculous oxygen in our atmosphere than miss the beauty of the love You paint in the sunsets. As the rain falls, I would rather dance in the dispersing of Your joy than melt in the cold snowfall that blesses the countryside. As I gaze at the stars—well, there are no words for that.

Thank you for all this. I cannot believe Someone as huge, as important, as needed, as indescribable as You—the Creator of the universe—would even stop to call my name and call me, “friend.” I thank you that someday soon, I will no longer have to see the fractured perfection of the world my race has destroyed but will be where I belong: with the One to whom I belong.

I miss You. I only want to be with You. Please, help me to remember to work out the things You left for me to do well, so that I can all the quicker be with You, hearing You say, “Well done, my child. Come and share my joy for the rest of eternity.”

Forever Yours. See You soon! 

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Reasons Preston Wants to Live

I once had a friend who was thinking and talking suicidal. He was an awesome person, in my mind, and I knew nothing of why he would want to stop being so. Something he said one time scared me, so I spent the night praying for him and writing down reasons he should want to live. I wanted to send them to him, but something kept me from sending this list in my messages to him. That was almost a year ago. I found the little blue sheet of paper today as I was cleaning out my closet and here is what I wrote that night. (I almost always change names of real people in my blog, fyi.)

1. No one can write your story for you; you have to live it to finish it!
2. What would Alena [girlfriend] do without you?
3. Your high school band needs your trumpeting skills.
4. Two words—driver’s license.
5. It’s hard to play a PS3 lying down.
6. Your mom would ground you for life.
7. They don’t play music in cemeteries.
8. Braces aren’t biodegradable.
9. Six feet of earth is pretty heavy.
10. What if they don’t serve breakfast?
11. Your grades would plummet.
12. God loves you.
13. Your family loves you.
14. You sure you’re ready for Judgment Day? Satan’s not exactly the kind of guy you want to
          spend eternity with.
15. I kind of doubt birds sing, crickets hum or stars shine in coffins.
16. You don’t want to make girls cry, do ya?
17. There are no “Dier’s Ed” classes to take.
18. Not very many hot girls live through death.
19. It’s hard to smell bacon cooking or bread baking over stenches like that.
20. Flashlights are hard to take with you.
21. The people in your life would miss you.
22. I’d miss you.
23. No Facebook access is a pretty tough blow.
24. It’s difficult to learn something new every day when all you do is lie there. Very boring.
25. Glasses and contacts aren’t allowed.
26. No one cooks like momma.
27. How many angels know how to bake chocolate chip cookies?
28. Rocks don’t make very good pillows.
29. How could you live without maple bar doughnuts!?
30. Not very many pop bands perform for funerals.
31. You should never regret who you are—that’s to regret God’s image and work.

He’s still alive today. If you’re reading this—I think you know who you are—know that I hope you stay alive for a long time to come.

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; to give you a hope and a future.’”  Jeremiah 29:11